My Favorite Character Defects by Ken Montrose
My Favorite Character Defects is the second book written by Addiction. Addiction describes character defects he uses to keep addicted people addicted. He challenges the reader to recognize his tricks and stop abusing whatever it is they abuse:
“Hello, it’s me again, Addiction. As I said in my last book, being me has gotten too easy. There’s no challenge anymore to getting and keeping people addicted. That’s why I wrote My Plan to Ruin Your Life, where I showed you exactly how I planned to ruin your life. Some of you weren’t paying attention, so I thought I’d let you see how I work. After all, I’m inside your head 24/7, why shouldn’t you peek inside mine?
Now I’m going to show you how I use your character defects to keep you from Recovery, and hand you over to Death in the worst condition possible.
Good luck. As always:
See you at the bottom,
on your bottom,
where you belong.”
What’s surprising about My Favorite Character Defects is the nonchalant way Addiction describes his methods, and his admiration for Recovery:
“Recovery has a gentle, calming voice. She will warn you, without criticizing you. Recovery stands firm without being rigid or judgmental. She will not shield you from your fears, but she will stand with you as you face them. Recovery is slow to anger, but wants you to be angry when you have reason to be. Recovery will never give up on you, but nor will she accept any hollow excuses. She sees what you could be, today and each day to follow. Recovery knows that you have a tough road to walk, and at times she will need to push you. She loves you when you nobody else can, including you.
Even I think Recovery is beautiful. You would be wise to listen to her, but listen to me instead.”
At times the reader will impressed with Addiction’s ability to rationalize. How he can make the most self-destructive behavior seem like the most natural course of action. At other times dismayed at how thorough he can be, reaching out to the young before they sample whatever will become their addiction.
By the way, there’s sex and poetry:
“Recovery will tell you love is beautiful thing. She means the kind of love that develops over time between people who come to cherish and respect each other. This kind of love can have romance and sex at its core, but often does not. My job is to get you chasing sex and/or unrealistic notions about love. That’s why I love Valentine’s Day. In fact, I wrote a poem to the day, expressing my true love. You can apply the sentiments to just about any day that involves you and a romance likely to kill your recovery.
How do I love Valentine’s Day, let me count the ways.
I love VD for unfulfilled fantasies,
I love it for impulsive sex that leads to STDs.
I love this day’s expectations unmet,
I love it for loneliness and eyes so wet.
I love Valentines who are untrue.
I love betrayals that make you blue.
I love this day when love burns bright,
but dies from a loved one’s dirty needle bite.
I love champagne-soaked brains driving cars.
I love true love celebrated in bars.
I love Valentine’s Day, do you?
Last, but not least, Addiction explains how snakes lost their legs.